


Fall Out Boy

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: Thicker than Water [21]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, F/M, Family, Friendship, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-19
Updated: 2011-10-19
Packaged: 2017-10-24 19:12:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/266895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If she survived this conversation it might just be better for everyone involved to spend the rest of the weekend with her head under the covers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fall Out Boy

**Author's Note:**

> This story is written in the Thicker than Water universe, where the BAU are kids and teens. It started as a little tickle from a conversation with took_skye and then as I was walking from work Hotch told me the rest.

  
**Thanksgiving, 1997**   


“Hey.” Hotch came out on the back porch where Emily was relaxing with a clove and a cup of coffee. “Are you busy?”

“Nope. I thought everyone was asleep by now.”

“I'm awake.” He sat beside her on the porch swing.

It was a chilly night; Hotch balled his hands into fists and stuffed them into the sleeves of his windbreaker. Emily wore pajama pants with tube socks and an American University sweatshirt. She didn’t look like the weather was affecting her at all.

“What's up?” she asked.

“I need to talk to you.”

“OK.”

She glanced at him and Hotch looked nervous. He actually looked green around the gills but Emily wouldn’t push him. She knew something wasn’t right and it hadn't been for a while. There was no use trying to force anything out of him. When Hotch was ready, Emily just hoped he talked to someone. It looked like that someone would be her.

She wondered if this was something silly, like the driver’s exam they were taking next month or some problem with Haley that he needed a girl’s advice on. She wondered if it was something serious that she would have no solution for. Emily was worried about him but hadn't mentioned it to a soul. She knew she could be a worrier and knew Hotch could be a turtle. He would just go inside his shell until he thought it was safe enough to emerge. If he needed safe harbor with her then he would get it.

“I thought you told Jason you were quitting.” He nodded toward the clove.

“All girls have their secrets.” She replied winking.

“Boys do too…believe me.”

“I do. But it’s a four day weekend Hotch…that has to put you in a good mood.”

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and they spent it together as a family. Lindsay came over in the evening and they had a great turkey dinner. There was lots of laughter, good times, and great memories. JJ took lots of pictures of everyone.

Today they were in full no-school mode, scattered all over the capital with friends. Jason even took Sarah Bickle to lunch, something Emily wasn’t too excited about. She had to let it go though. He loved her and she was secure in that. He was allowed to have friends and a life just as much as she was. They weren't going to fight about the silly things.

“Haley and I broke up.” Hotch said.

“What?” Emily looked at him with wide eyes. She stopped the coffee mug halfway to her mouth. “When?”

“It was a while ago.”

That might have something to do with the looks the blonde gave Emily whenever they crossed paths recently. She ignored them. She was never Haley’s biggest fan but as long as Hotch dated her, Emily planned to keep it civil. No wonder he’d been so down in the dumps; it was over with his first girlfriend. That couldn’t have been easy. She wished there was something to do to make it better.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” she asked.

“Not really.” Hotch shook his head. “I have no idea what happened. We might get back together, I don’t know Em. Haley says she’s confused; needs space and stuff. I don’t know what she wants or what that even means. Girls are an enigma.”

“Is that what's been bothering you lately; this thing with Haley? I knew something was wrong. I didn’t want to be all up in your face about it…I know you don’t like that. But I still knew. I'm worried about you.”

“Things have been kind of a roller coaster lately.” He whispered.

“Tell me about it. I'm gonna have to drop art class because between AP Chem, AP Latin and Advanced Arabic, it’s just not gonna work. And that class was supposed to be my break from the insanity. Guess I’ll just have to do drugs to escape now.” She laughed but Hotch didn’t. Emily gently elbowed his ribs. “It was a joke, Hotch. I promise.”

“Huh?”

“Damn, you weren't even paying attention to me. Thanks for nothing.”

“I need to talk to you about something serious.” He said.

“OK.” Emily nodded. “I'm listening.”

“You can't talk about it with another soul, do you swear?”

“I swear on a stack of Bibles.”

“I mean it.” Hotch said firmly.

“I hear you. I swear I won't say anything.”

Her heart was beating so fast; Emily had no idea what was about to happen. She knew Aaron Hotchner had his share of secrets. They all did actually. As they got closer as a family, there were some they were willing to share. She and JJ were talking more about past lives.

She knew some of Morgan’s story as well. But Hotch, he kept it locked in a vault for no one to see. He didn’t even look at it himself. Maybe he was about to open a Pandora’s Box. She had no idea what to expect. This was definitely not about the driver’s exam.

“I need to ask you a very personal question, Emily. It’s a yes, no, or mind your business kinda question. You don’t have to answer it but I would appreciate it if you did. After I ask it, and you answer it, we’re never gonna discuss it again. Is that alright?”

“Yeah.” Emily nodded.

“Are you and Jason having sex?” he asked.

“No, Hotch. We…”

“Stop.” He covered his ears. “It was a yes or no question. No details; I don’t want details.”

“I wasn’t gonna give you details, silly, uncover your ears.” She pulled his hands down. “I was just going to say that Jason made the decision that we’re not going to have sex until I'm 18. That’s two very long years from now.”

“He said that?”

“Yeah.” Emily nodded. “It’s important to him that we’re both grownup and prepared to handle the things that sometimes come along with sex.”

“Like what?”

“I don't know, drama maybe. I can't really say since I've never had a boyfriend or a real sexual relationship. I think he’s just afraid of my being too young, of feeling like he’s taking advantage, or scaring me because of things that may have happened in my past. He’s putting this restriction on himself much more so than he’s putting on me. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah.” Hotch nodded. “I guess. Do you two, like, hook up sometimes?”

“What?” Emily looked at him.

“Do you…make out?”

“Sure, I guess.”

She was starting to feel uncomfortable; didn’t know where these questions were coming from. She and Hotch were both 16 now, surely interested in sex. He had never said anything to her and she was fine with that. Emily just assumed that he and Haley did the things most teenagers did.

If they’d broken up then maybe they didn’t. Her own love life was enough of a tangled web; Emily had no intention of invading someone else’s. It especially wasn’t going to be Hotch’s. That was a special brand of no-no.

“Does it feel good? You know, being sexual with him.”

“Why are you asking me that? I…you're like my brother Hotch but you have to know this line of questioning is a little uncomfortable. What's going on?”

“Can we just…just once Emily. I need to talk about this and I don't know who else to talk to. Please just help me.”

“Alright.” She nodded, taking a deep breath. She didn’t know what was going on but if he needed her then she would be there. It might be uncomfortable but this was family. Family always came first. “Yes, it feels good. When you're intimate with someone you love it’s the greatest feeling in the world. I mean, maybe any sex feels good but I imagine it’s even more awesome when you love the person.”

“So if you didn’t feel anything, you would be concerned?” Hotch asked.

“Not necessarily. Everybody is different…feelings have hundreds of meanings and manifestations. When you say you don’t feel anything, how do you mean?”

Hotch shrugged. It was so hard to put all the muck in his mind into words. Every time he tried he just got more confused and upset. He sighed, running his fingers through his thick, black hair.

“Isn't it supposed to be a rush?” he asked. “Shouldn’t you feel like you're floating on air or dying the best death? Aren’t your eyes supposed to roll back in your head and stuff?”

“I don't know.” Emily shrugged. “I think it’s probably only like that in the movies. What exactly are you getting at, Hotch?”

“Climax.” He whispered.

“Ohhh.” She grabbed another clove; knew she’d need it for this. She swore she’d never tell a soul, and she wouldn’t. Emily knew no one would believe her anyway. “That’s an amazing feeling, yes.”

“You’ve had an orgasm?” he asked.

“Yeah.” She nodded. “And it’s an amazing feeling.”

“I don’t think I feel that. I think something’s wrong with me.”

“I doubt it, Hotch.”

“Maybe I'm ashamed. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel like I'm supposed to.”

“Well there's nothing to be ashamed of.” Emily said matter of factly. “Not to get too detailed or anything but everyone masturbates. Girls do too you know.”

“I know.” Hotch nodded. “I'm not talking about masturbation, Emily.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Sex.” He said it so low that she had to lean closer.

“What?”

“I've been…I'm talking about real sex.”

“You're…” she looked at him. Damn, she hoped Jason wouldn’t look so guilty and ashamed when they finally made love. “You and Haley had sex?”

“No.”

“Who then?”

He didn’t say anything for a while. Hotch actually opened his mouth a couple of times but closed it again before anything came out. He closed his eyes too but that didn’t seem to help him talk. Emily put her hand on his shoulder.

“You can talk to me, Hotch, for real. What's going on?”

“It’s Lindsay, OK? Lindsay and I are having sex.”

“Vaughan?” Emily asked, moving away from him some on the porch swing. “You're having sex with Lindsay Vaughan?”

“Emily, I'm so…”

“How could you do that?” she hit him hard in the shoulder. She hit him again and again. Hotch held up his hands, tried to stop the blows and keep from getting burned with her cigarette. “How could you? She’s my best damn friend! What the fuck, Hotch! What the fuck!”

“I'm sorry.” He covered his head. “Please Emily, I'm sorry…I'm so sorry.”

“Go to hell!”

She stood up and walked away from him. She walked to the end of the porch and held on to the banister. Emily felt like she was going to be sick. She felt like she just rode the roller coaster after eating a chili dog. Her head was pounding and tears burned the back of her eyes.

This could not be happening. How was this happening? Hotch and Lindsay…since when? They were having sex and they were doing it behind her back. It didn’t even seem plausible. Had Emily gone to bed in DC and woken up in The Twilight Zone?

“Emily…”

“Just shut up for a minute.” She held up her hand. _Oh God_ , she thought, _please don’t let me puke out here. I really feel like I'm about to lose that damn turkey sandwich_.

“I don’t want you to hate me. I don’t even know what happened. It just happened and it happened again and again and again. Please…don’t hate me.”

“I don’t think I could ever hate you.” Emily wasn’t sure where her voice came from.

She covered her mouth and took a deep breath through her nose. Calming down was the only way to get through this. The poor kid was so devastated; the last thing he needed was her coming down on him. Who was she to tell him who he could and couldn’t sleep with? Not that he should be sleeping with anyone. But Emily was fooling herself to think that anyone other than she was being chaste.

Hell, if she could get Jason in bed she’d be getting laid as fast as she could. But she was in love. Did Hotch love Lindsay? Did Lindsay love him? She lusted after him for sure; Emily had known that forever. How long had they been biblical as her mother used to say? Where did they find the time?

“I knew this would hurt you.” he said. “I knew this was really going to hurt you and it tore me up inside. I couldn’t keep it anymore, even at the risk of losing you.”

“Is that why you and Haley broke up?” Emily finally turned to look at him. “Did you cheat on her with Lindsay?”

“No.” Hotch shook his head. “I would never do something like that. Haley and I broke up in the middle of September. Lindsay and I…it’s weird even saying that. It’s not like that.”

“What happened Hotch? We’ve come this far, we may as well just get it all out now.”

He nodded and she sat down on the banister. She didn’t think it was a good idea to be close to him right now. A whole array of emotions ran through her and Emily didn’t know what to make of them. She wanted to be sad, pissed, betrayed, hurt, and possibly violent. She also wanted to hug Hotch and tell him everything was OK with them and with him.

Emily wanted to call Lindsay and give her a piece of her mind. At the same time she felt the overwhelming urge to ask her what was it like, how did it feel, was it all she wanted it to be. If she survived this conversation it might just be better for everyone involved to spend the rest of the weekend with her head under the covers.

“Mrs. Harris paired us up for AP American History. We’re going to be doing different papers and projects throughout the year for our whole grade. When Lindsay suggested we work at her house because sometimes ours can be a little chaotic and she needs quiet to do homework, I could only agree. Our first paper was on the atom bomb. So I went to her place to work on it.

“When we were there, alone, we just talked about stuff. She got me to open up a little about Haley and…I don't know. It felt good to just let go. I felt almost weightless talking about nothing, you know? When she kissed me, it felt nice. When she touched me, it felt really nice. Does it sound insane to say I don’t know how it happened? It just did. I couldn’t have stopped her if I tried. But I didn’t try; I didn’t want to stop.”

“Did you use a condom?” Emily asked.

“Yeah.” Hotch nodded. “I didn’t have any; Lindsay did. The first time was really strange and euphoric. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I would make up reasons to study and stuff. I was trying to recreate the first experience. I've never felt like that in my life. She never said no when I asked to come over.”

“If you liked it then why do you feel so guilty?”

“I don’t know if I liked it beyond the first time. I must have, right, if I wanted to do it again. I don’t even know how to feel, Em. I'm not in love with Lindsay, she’s great but she's not…it’s not like it’s supposed to be.”

“Then why don’t you stop?” Emily asked.

“I did. Two weeks ago I told her that I didn’t want to anymore. She was fine with it. She said it wouldn’t ruin our partnership in class and we were cool. I didn’t know if I believed her but so far things were fine. Then last night…”

“What happened last night?”

She hardly wanted to know. The idea that the whole thing was going on right under her nose was like getting slapped with a two by four. It was time for the alarm to go off or the director to yell cut. Seriously.

“We made out.” he looked down at his shoes. “We snuck off when you and Jason were doing the dishes. We went up to my room. I'm so sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing to me? Nevermind, you don’t have to answer that. I never expected to hear something like this; I don’t know what to say.”

“I don’t want to hurt anybody. I know she’s your best friend, you love her, and I don’t want you two to hate each other because of me.”

“I wouldn’t hate Lindsay, Hotch.” even as Emily said it she had no idea what she was feeling. And keeping Hotch’s confidence meant she wasn’t going to be able to explore the feelings beyond the walls of her own hurt and confusion. “You have to understand that I’d want to talk to her about this.”

“Why?” he sounded frantic.

“It’s a girl thing, Hotch. You’re my brother, she’s my best friend, and you two are hooking up. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. I love you both. You’ve kinda put me in the middle of this.”

“I didn’t mean to do that.” he said.

“I know.” Emily hopped down off the banister and went to sit next to him again. She put her arm around his shoulder, pressed her temple on his. “What are you going to do?”

“I don't know. I'm so stressed. A part of me feels horrible and another part of me can't stop. I mean, it’s not everyday or anything but it’s…”

“Yeah, I get it.” She didn’t want to hear it. She so didn’t want to know how often it was.

“You do?” he looked at her. Their faces were so close that Hotch had to turn away.

“Hotch, I love Jason. I want him, and I want him to want me.”

“Doesn’t he?”

“Yes. But we’re not sleeping together. And there's nothing wrong with that I guess, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t both have feelings, urges, needs, and stuff. It’s tough to keep those feelings from overflowing and drowning you. Its one of the many perils of being a teenager. But it concerns me that you said you didn’t feel anything.”

“I just meant…I'm so ashamed of myself. I can't enjoy it because it feels wrong. You can't just be with somebody so you can get naked with them. That’s not right. And I don’t care if it’s OK with Lindsay; it’s not OK with me. We have to stop before we really hurt each other.”

“Then be honest. Someone told me once that sex can be like drugs. Once you have it, you want more. And when you try to stop, you will backslide. I just can't believe you're getting laid and I'm not.”

“Emily!” he exclaimed.

“Sorry, I'm sorry, I just…” she smirked. “I love you, Hotch. I always will and you'll always be my brother. I didn’t mean it when I said I don’t think I could ever hate you. I know that I couldn’t. You're gonna have to live with me talking to Lindsay about this though. She deserves to have a chance to get things off her chest too. And there are things I can say to her that I just can't say to you.”

“Like what?”

“Girl stuff.” Emily replied.

“But you won't tell anyone else? You won't tell Jason?”

“No.” she shook her head. “When we talk, it’s just us. I promise.”

“I just don’t want him to be disappointed in me. He told us to wait; he always tells us to wait.”

“Tell me about it.” she mumbled. “Everyone doesn’t wait…it’s just a fact of life. Whatever you do just be smart about it. Don’t you ever have sex without a condom. You promise me.”

“Yeah.” Hotch nodded.

“I'm serious, Hotch.”

“I know. I promise you; I swear it.”

“OK.”

“I still feel awful.”

“I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better. I'm sorry I punched you though. This whole thing caught me off guard. I would never have guessed…”

Emily let the sentence slide. She didn’t know how to finish it anyway. Suddenly she was really tired and felt like she needed a good cry. She wanted Jason’s arms around her more than anything. It was important for her to comfort Hotch; she couldn’t let his guilt eat him alive.

But she needed someone to comfort her too. Why, she wasn’t entirely sure. Nothing like this had ever happened before. It wasn’t even that she deluded herself into thinking it wouldn’t and couldn’t. Emily just never accounted for it. She accounted for the average teen angst drama, sure, but never this. She must have missed the life class on how to deal with your brother and your best friend having a secret tryst.

“I need to get some sleep.” Hotch stood abruptly and moved away from her. “I'm exhausted.”

“You’ve just gotten a lot off your mind and chest.” She replied. “I'm sure you are.”

“Are we gonna be OK?” he asked.

“Always.” She nodded. “Are you gonna be OK?”

“I don’t know. I still don’t know what I'm going to do. I have a lot of thinking to do.”

“Well if you ever want to talk again…”

“No,” Hotch almost laughed as he shook his head. “I absolutely never want to have a conversation like this again.”

“Well, that makes two of us. It doesn’t have to be about sex, Hotch. I mean anything.”

“Yeah, OK.” He nodded.

“Do you wanna hug?” Emily stood too.

“Not particularly.”

“Well too bad. You're getting a hug.”

Hotch pretended to roll his eyes as Emily wrapped her arms around him. He exhaled, holding on tight. He didn’t know what would happen after today, he was still unnerved, but it was over. Whatever happened, it was over.

“Goodnight, Hotch.” she kissed his cheek.

“Goodnight.”

Hotch went into the house and Emily sat down on the porch swing. The tears came without her knowledge or consent. Trying to take a deep breath proved useless so she just covered her face and let the emotions have their moment. Emily sobbed, hated feeling as if she’d lost control. She knew she would come out on the other side; she just had to do this. No matter how much she hated it she had to do it.

***

“Hey there.” Jason opened his eyes and smiled. He wasn’t expecting a visitor tonight, except maybe Spencer. Even though they both had their own rooms now, he still sometimes bunked with Jason when he couldn’t sleep.

“I know it’s not how we do things but…can I stay.” Emily asked.

“What's wrong?” he caressed her face. “Have you been crying?”

“A little.” There was no point in hiding it from him.

“What happened?”

“Nothing. I just want to stay with you tonight. Is that alright?”

Jason didn’t want to say no. Just because they lived together and had more privacy didn’t mean that he wanted to act as if he and Emily were shacked up. It wasn’t always easy but Jason thought he did a good job. If she was upset though, even if she wasn’t ready to tell him why, he didn’t want her to be alone.

“Yeah.” he pulled back the blanket, smiling as she climbed inside. He couldn’t help but sigh when she cuddled close to him. Jason wrapped his arms around her back. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“I'm fine.” It was a half-truth. “It’s the holidays. Sometimes…”

“I understand.” He kissed her forehead. “Just hold onto me, Katya.”

“I'm never letting go. I'm so glad I have you, not just because you're my boyfriend. I could tell you a billion other reasons why.”

“I wouldn’t be at all opposed if you counted the ways.” Jason joked.

Emily laughed some, kissing his neck. Then she kissed his mouth. Jason pulled away some but went back for a few passionate kisses. It was late but there was still a chance Spencer might come in. He didn’t want him to see something he shouldn’t. It didn’t matter if Jason felt the want all the way down to the tips of this toes. Sometimes being the responsible party sucked.

Emily understood; she wasn’t going to push the boundaries tonight. Being in his arms was enough. It would bring her the peace she needed to sleep tonight. She didn’t know what she would have to face tomorrow but the faster she had a conversation with Lindsay the better. Things might be tense for a while, for all parties involved, but Emily planned to emerge with all of her close relationships intact. Right now she was cocooned in the closest one of them all.

***


End file.
